At World's End

Only a week left to the supposed 'end-of-the-world'! I think this should have had the capacity to be scary in order to make me happy, but now it sounds like a weak pj. Personally, I just love the concept of destruction, when it comes as 'complete' destruction. What can be better than just vanishing one fine morning with everything you know! No backlogs, no afterthoughts, no trailing around left-behind loved ones(in case you believe in the ghost theory), no fear of karma(if the world is destroyed I can't possibly be sent back) and most of all no fear of losing your dear ones (who possibly can die in this one week, and even then who cares). Death is a sure certainty with just one small disclaimer. You never get to know the certainty in its entirety unless the very last moment has come to claim you. That makes death horrible, hated, unbearable. That also makes life interesting. But somehow, I don't think much of this surprise factor of death.I would rather know when,where,how. Hence, the theory of the world ending makes me happy in a peaceful sort of way. Weird it is, I know, but at the same time, it is so attractive!
So, with no promising end, I am left to search for the survival means, money, I mean. I have just received my first pay cheque and it made me sad. Plain simple sad. I thought I would be happy. My perpetual life of debt and gloom will come to an end. I will buy whatever I feel like and finally,finally pay my rent on time. But now with the actual thing on hand, the reality looms large over my psyche. 20,000 sounds good, looks good on paper, doesn't really translate that good in the market. I know, with my qualifications, this is the best job I could have bagged and I thank every living and non-living being in the universe for this, but 20,000! Maybe, I need more time to settle into a life I think good. Maybe after 5 years I will be able to afford a jacuzzi and a red, convertible sports car and then gift a world tour voucher to my parents. These are not merely my dreams. These are like the pins in my bed which doesn't let me be comfortable.
People say, aim high. Is what I am aiming for high? I don't feel so. I feel it is only so much one can have in exchange of the other dream, the low cost one that was more fulfilling psychologically, which was unceremoniously snatched away from just under my nose. I feel what I am aiming for is lower than what my heart would have originally be happy having.
Remember here, this is my second life, second chance at life, second dream of a perfect life. I died once.