I am writing here after a long time. Somehow, after almost three years of an almost stable job, a dozen loving colleagues and friends, I still feel the same pain... I woke up in the morning after a very disturbed two hour sleep and remembered... I am alone. Still. Like always.

It is like my life has completed yet another cycle of mockery and I am once again facing the mirror of truth. And I get to see the mess I am in... the perpetual mess of jumbled up misplaced emotions, unattainable dreams and impossible relationships. 

Maybe most of us are built this way, to live on hope even when we hate the word hope. To climb up the stairs and look down even when we are sure of the vertigo. To suddenly sit up in our beds in the middle of night and start shaking with tears that rattle inside and refuse to come out.

What makes us continue then? Why not find a high place and jump? Do we really care about our parents, friends, family? Isn't that the most pathetic excuse ever? 

I just stand and look hard in the mirror... I like what I see. If not anything else, I have taught myself to love that image. I like to look at myself because I believe if I do not like what I see there, I can't hope to expect someone else like what they see in me either. I know I am beautiful. Terrible but beautiful... almost destructive in its full power... and yet I fail. I fail to impress the one man I want to. I do everything in my power to be the most alluring woman but I fail and I know there's no way out. I will probably die trying and injure a few others. But I can't stop trying. My days are filled with the trials and nights with the feverish anticipation of the coming days. And why I fail? Because I can't tell him. I try that too... and fail... and hope he would understand ... but of course, I fail again.

If someone is reading this... and is a kind soul... just pause one moment and think of that one person who might make you feel like this. Just think and feel... and I would know I am not the only one.

You know it's true when they say love kills. It really does. Slowly, irreversibly, painfully.